my first yankee

we met at his exes’ cabaret show. while 5 sexy, brolic, women thrashed on the floor and chair danced like there was no tomorrow

he stared across at me, as i sat, tired from the day, still getting used to these new bangs, and nursing this drink.

i could feel his eyes on me, while they performed, in fact i should look back at some of the photos to see if i can spot him staring at me.

after the show, he plops down beside me, i look over, he says: i luv looking at you, my thought: you win,  917- 000-000.

he didnt call for a month which was just enough time for me to get over an ex. he texted, we first dated, it was nice, but i wasnt sure yet. second date, was cool but i wasnt sure yet, he kissed me, it woke me up. he put his hands on me, now i’m lusting.

i requested a third date, the next night, we both new what was gonna happen. his condo was perfect, biggest bed ive ever seen. he marveled at my body, the way a man should, and now the way i require them to. next early evening i came to, and saw a box of magnum wrappers all over the floor, and this time i marveled at what we did. we continued for a few weeks, until feelings entered, he got scared, and now its over.

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kinda horny

honestly, i’m kinda horny

i keep picturing myself or my body in this position, but i can’t place the lucky gent whose behind me

it could be the yankee’s ferociousness

the gentleman’s gentle hand

or the stripper

he doesnt have a face but hes pounding me (for lack of a better word)

im on all fours, to start, hes behind

he lifts me legs, hands on the underside of my thighs, and brings me in and in and in

and he’s grunting

and looking down at my body with a sexual disgust that i like, cause when i’m mad i look at him the same way, kinda like when you want a guy to call you a ho, a filthy disgusting ho, or when they say, fuck me you fucking bitch, that could just be me and mine

but he just keeps going, and i’m moaning, but i can’t tell if i mean it or if i’m faking it, as usual

but this can’t be possible since my wrist always hurt when i’m in regular push up position, so know way i could hold this position

but i digress

journey countines……

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strike 2!! (and maybe 3) (or maybe he’s out)

me: Hey. Just tried to reach ya. Wanted to invite u to a world cup viewing party tomorrow afternoon. Feel free to bring a homie. hope all is well, i’ll try to catch ya later. :)

him: Have plans moro afternoon. We can connect durin the wk.

me: Sounds good

(time goes by, aint heard shit)

me: If its ok, come thru, for a lil while, tonight

no reply

me: We on for this evening ?

him: No.

him: Not intetrsted in seeing you dance nEmore. I asked a few times earlier, u didn’t make it happen. I lost interest, honestly.

(dance, what the fuck) WOW! i call, he bitch moves, and doesnt answer, i leave a mssg, then i text back this

me: left u a mssg. The only reason for not seeing you was I’ve been working as much as I can pt but now I’m settled more since I’m freelancing ft for awhile. I’ve been stressed about fam and bills. I only wasn’t able to once when u asked during the day. U said we would connect this week and I’m looking forward to it which is why I’ve been asking so much. I absolutely haven’t lost interest. Would u be willing to give it another shot?

no reply

me: I’m sorry u feel this way. I’m sorry I wasn’t there that time. I’m sorry.

*dead*

journey continues……oh no, i’ve actually sworn off men, journey on pause, or maybe this is apart of the journey

fuck him (by the way, he has texted a few times, since ‘losing interest’ to say hey)

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strike 1

verbatim!

me: Howve you been?

him: I’ve been good. Thank you. You don’t see it, but you wear your heart on your sleeve. I didn’t want you to hate me, but I’d rather you hate me than be heartbroken. I feel that would’ve happened Eventually.

me: I’m confused. Why would I hate you? You haven’t hurt me in any way. We’re getting to know each other, this is apart of it. I’m very guarded with regards to my heart since it was just broken, so its def not on my sleeve. My concern is that I didn’t want you to think I only wanted sex or anything like that. I couldn’t hate you, ur not the type. The only thing I want to apologize for is that I’ve been so stressed about work mainly that I’m always stressed about it and added things with fam don’t help. So I’m always kinda mentally elsewhere but when I would hear you talk about it, it put me at ease because I felt you understood. I don’t only wanna see you at night or weekends, it just that pt job pays the bills so it sux that everything has to be scheduled around it, including time with you. Thankfully I just got hired for something long term so things will change. Right now, I need things to be easy and breezy. I told you before I was just dating someone serious that fell apart so I am in no rush to do that again. I wanna keep seeing you because its been no stress. My goals are getting my life together, everything else is second. If I don’t see you on a weekend I still have a great weekend and you do to, its no big. We both like to go out and hang with friends. all I can ask of you is that you just chill out, don’t try to Analyze it, just enjoy chillin with me. I’m not trying to steal ur single life from you. I hope you enjoy my company and much as I enjoy yours. Let me know.

no reply

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untitled – 8/3

feeling some type of way, for real

wandering what i got if anything at all, wandering if i should if anything at all

wandering who if anyone at all

found out the gentlemen ended the relationship with the woman he chose over  me

the yankee in his confusion parted me farewell

so should i wait til things are seemingly perfect to move on to the next, since he felt i could give to him, maybe i should

not sure what to do, wanna proceed forward but life seems to be moving at a pace unbearable

i wish the gentleman happiness, honestly, i know he has moved forward, he puts it on blast on his facebook page regularly

i hope the yankee puts his guard down and opens up to someone, he is his problem

as for me, not sure just yet where to start

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a bitch move

i promise to post the exact words at a later date, once i’ve accepted what the fuck just happened

i have to put taco night on hold, cause i’m so in shock

the yankee said we’d connect this week

on my free night i pushed to make this connection happen

he said No

something like: i’ve lost interest, honestly

WOW!

never had a man lose interest

never had a man say mean things to get me away

never had a man do what he did

i apologized and begged for another chance

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sadly powerless

i honestly dont want to spend this weekend feeling like this, looking like this, wishing things werent like this, and so on

i swear im trying to ‘fall back’, as i keep being advised to do

he wont respond to texts, or he’s slow to

he wont return calls

i gotta be careful what i say or he’ll read into it

i dont look the way he wanted me to

i dont conversate they way they hope i would

my hair isnt like hers

i dont have what she does

maybe it is me

(funny what just popped into my head) (something in my subconscious is saving him) (not sure what my gut believes) (hell my gut believed in the gentlemen too)

i’m just sadly powerless

i dont wanna fight in this whole dating bull shit

i wanna spoon, be penetrated, be kissed, be cooked for, and so on

i wanna laugh with him, smile with him, and so on

i wanna wake up in his arms, wrapped up in him

feel him reaching for me, and so on

and i dont want the gentlemen, I WANT THE YANKEE!!!

(there, i said it )

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stuck in it like jello

been up technically since 5, thinkin bout the yankee

i called him to offer him dinner tonight, left a vmail

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

i told him i wanted us to continue, ok, i begged him

he didnt reply

i asked him to ‘hang out’ meaning makeup-penis-in-my-vagina

he said he had to work, but didnt say anything else

been thinking about him more lately, since other chips have fallen into place

i made myself ok with it being over,  guessing so the hit wouldnt be much of a hit

but then, this morning, at 5 am, i thought and thought, and i investigated my gut to see if i felt this was over

my gut gave me a resounding no

ok goodie, i didnt want it to be anyway!

gut said: sit tight, relax, be easy, soon enough

ok

he’s got a good vibe, scared though

a great dick

i’m willing to fall in love with him, if he’ll let it happen

i’m willing to buy him that $45 candle for his bday if he’ll accept

lets do this yankee!!

you’ve made me feel ok about my flaw, so far

journey continues

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im sick!

on my fucking god!! are you serious?

the yankee picked out and suggested a fathers day gift for my dad, and i got it, and my dad loved it

i sent him a text to say thanks and to say how are you?

his reply was something in the past tense about him not wanting me to hate him

what the fuck?

huh?

so i replied back with a lot of james brown begging, thats if james brown could text, cause it was via text

he didnt reply, no mention of giving us another shot

i’m sick about it, fo real

i need our makeup to happen

i’m hoping he’ll reply, and be willing to give us a shot again

i’m gonna ask again, i’m hoping against hoping

could i have run another one away? i feel like shit about this but i’m not giving up, no way no how

*will post exact text later*

journey continues

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frustrated, much?

lemme just address both fuck faces

first the gentlemen:

you wander if we should go to lunch, and you openly contemplate things about us, and yet you claimed her

its like you shit on me again, you hurt me all over again, you awakened in me the anger, again

i’m not even sure your worth the energy, nor if your worth the energy, your probably laying in between her legs right now, fuck you!

and to the scared yankee

what the fuck, for real, when the fuck are we fucking, for one, and when the fuck are making me feel like we are dating again

fuck!!!!!!!

i want to see, i dont want to beg you

i’m tired of paying for all the bull shit you feel you an other dudes have been thru

i’m sick of it, get to know me, give me a shot

when we’re fucking and i say, when foreplay has reached its pinnacle and i say: i need you right now, and you correct me with: you want me right now, it dries me up pisses me off

when you said you were rationing out yourself to me, because i move to fast, it pissed me off, the asshole gentlemen broke my heart, and i fo damn sure aint rushing to get hurt again

i’ll always be his second choice, the one he didnt choose, his silver medal, the one out in the cold, the one he’s happy he not with right now

as i’m wiping away my tears, i swore i thought this pain was over

i dont want to go thru this again

i know he’s (the gentlemen) happy, and i dont want hinder or be in the way

vote for journeytowifey.com

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